The definitive parenting guide to surviving Christmas with kids

However, the real heart of the episode was all about Christmas before the biggest party of the year for the little ones. So I wanted to relay some of the most important points to helping all new moms and dads or at least moms and dads who screw up the same shit every year.

On the list, dirty animals!

1. Assemble all the great gifts on Christmas Eve

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Do you really want to be stuck building a Barbie dream house or assembling a bicycle while your kid is jumping in Christmas cheer and the chocolate he took in his stocking jumps on you?

I know Christmas Eve is already a night out for parents between dinner, getting the horny kids to sleep, church if you’re a good Catholic, and having to sneak into your own home like Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment. .

This gif was living on Barstool and the fact that it was missing is a fucking shame. Systematically bringing it back in 2022 is my New Years resolution

So no matter what time you have to be up, just make these big gifts the night before so that your Christmas is marred by exhaustion and the looming sense of fear of your next credit card bill instead of the exhaustion, fear AND your child harassing you. a gift that has an instruction manual the size of an encyclopedia. We sleep in May after Christmas dessert.

2. Load up all the new toys and buy a bunch of batteries

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He’s a cousin of number 1 but deserves his own entry on the list. Do you know those kids who harass you? They will if the new tablet or toy you gave them won’t turn on because you didn’t plug it in while you put together the toys you bought for them on Christmas Eve. Batteries certainly go for the sleep bird but are still a vital part of our lives for parents (I scold whoever invented the battery compartment, you need a pin-sized screwdriver to open). Charge rechargeable batteries and you’ll never be helpless again. Christmas 2022 You will thank Christmas 2021 You, just like the landfills.

Also, make sure their shelves are charged before heading to other people’s homes at Christmas. It should go without saying, but there’s a lot of shit going on in everyone’s lives right now and you’ll want to drive off a cliff if you don’t have that iPad-powered silence in the commute. endless car on Christmas day. with Christmas Eve exhaustion.

3. Kiss Santa Claus

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No, I don’t want to have sex with some imaginary magical creature who brings gifts to all the sweet children in the world. If you want to hit Santa Claus from your local mall, go for it! We are not ashamed here.

I’m just saying don’t let the big guy get all the credit or even most of the Christmas transportation credit your kids get. These little gremlins have become poetic about her for weeks and will sing her praises the rest of the Christmas holidays after opening their presents. Just give him credit for a big gift or two just so you can arm him next year by saying he won’t come if they’re mean, which is the real reason Santa has been invented.

4. Make sure the liquor cabinet is fully stocked.

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Do whatever is necessary to make your Christmas a little more merry by trying to create countless childhood memories without ruining said childhood memories. We have all lived the past couple of years with our children at home nonstop as we try to work and get them to go to school. Which means next Christmas week “” “Vacation” “” with cold weather and all the indoor places you would usually go to as a launch pad for omicron is probably going to suck a little more.

So make sure you haven’t drunk anything from your stash over the past few months, no matter how many months you’ve been at The Suck. Personally, I suggest a nice Pink Whitney at your Christmas brunch and it’s not just because I’m a corporate guy, which I clearly am. But whatever your poison, make sure you have all the necessary ingredients. Nothing is worse than going for a good White Russian at the end of dinner and then realizing that you are out of Kahlua.

5. Don’t leave your children alone at home

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This one really goes to the McAllisters and the worst of the worst parents. Either you’ll spend your Christmas trying to get back to them or you don’t care, which means you’ll go to hell.

6. Agree to be the garbage collector

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This one mainly comes out for dads to embrace being the guy holding the giant trash bag for all the wrapping paper. Mom probably found, bought, and wrapped all of these gifts, so you don’t know what’s under the tree and who it’s for. But what you can do is have fun playing board for your kid while he soaks the wrapping paper for his latest gift from the Religion x Capitalism super team known as Christmas.

Follow all of these tips and … you’re always going to be superpu, no matter what, because Christmas is an absolute pressure cooker for everyone involved, given that there are a million other things to worry about and we did not even have access to the people who are hosting. Nonetheless, just know that there are literally millions of other people going through the same thing, including the three idiots on The Podfathers (click to sign up because we’re basically a support group for parents going through the same shit).

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